How do you get your spouse to work with you on the family finances?
Last week I received an interesting question
from a reader ...
"So Leo, tell me this, in all your experience,
how do you get your husband on board when
he thinks it's a joke? I've printed the book ....
pleaded with him to at least give it a shot.
Obviously his idea of managing money has
gotten us into big time trouble and now he
won't work on it to fix it. Any hints would be
greatly appreciated. It was May 2008 when
I first asked him to participate."
I figured some of my terrific readers can
provide a much better answer than I could.
And boy was I right!
I've posted the responses I received in the
comment area below.
Feel free to add your own suggestions.
Thanks!
Leo
And boy was I right!
I've posted the responses I received in the
comment area below.
Feel free to add your own suggestions.
Thanks!
Leo
posted by Leo Quinn @ 10:58 AM
21 Comments
21 Comments:
My husband was the same way. After many years of pleading and begging I decided to take matters into my own hand. I divided the debts based on use (i.e.. household, his, hers, kids, and so forth). Then I took on the debts that were definitely mine and half of the household and kids debts. I wrote out my plan and included a copy for my husband to tackle his "share". It took me about 18 months to pay off the debts I took on. My husband still wouldn't work on his share of the debt. When he was on a business trip and he overspent he immediately called me to bail him out. It was then that I realized that much of this problem was my fault for I had enabled my husband all those years. He assumed I would continue to bail him out and he couldn't understand why his credit card balances weren't being taken care of. This was a great awakening for him and he was furious that I refused to bail him out while he was overextending on his business trip. His company apparently helped him financially but he had to repay the debt. I realized that my husband wasn't willing to work as a partner in this and many other areas of our relationship. I have learned that these are discussions couples need to have before the commitment of marriage. I am now out of debt, raising my kids, and making it on my own. Unfortunately, my husband is now my ex-husband and still in debt.
I hope your reader takes a good look at the reason her husband doesn't treat their finances seriously. Both her and his futures depend upon it.
D. S.
Leo,
Sometimes I think it's hard to see the light when the tunnel is so long. I know myself that trying to look to a day when I have all my bills paid and I can relax a little is just so far down the road.
I also have been doing things in probably not the best way for so long that it's hard to imagine that trying to do it any other way would help to end the nightmare. I don't have your program but I know of others and to be honest, trying to make them work when the intake is less than the output is almost impossible.
I know that any plan takes discipline to accomplish a given result, but I also know that there has to be certain conditions to be able to put the plan into play. Maybe he feels that he just doesn't have the necessary tools to do that. (money, self confidence, discipline) whatever the case might be.
Maybe she just needs to ask if there is something that is holding him back from at least trying the program or if there is something she can do to help or encourage him with it. I don't know if this helps but it sure made me feel better. Thanks Leo. Have a great day.
Craig
I'm not married, but I've heard another financial guru say something like this:
--
Sit down and talk to him face-to-face with no TV, no kids, no other
distractions. Take his two hands in your two hands, look him in the
eye, and say "This is very important to me. Our financial future is
important. I need you to work with me on this. It would mean a lot
to me if you would help. Let's work on our spending plan together"
--
If he doesn't listen(and respond) to that, then you have a marriage
problem, not a financial problem.
Eldred
I would question the relationship. Maybe it is time to walk away- are you
going to go down with the sinking ship or swim away?
I know it sounds harsh, but really...
Leo,
I struggle with the same challenge, but remain positive, do whatever I can to set the right example and know that ultimately my spouse will "see the light". 5% in life is what happens to you and 95% is how you react to it. Remain positive and it will happen.
I have been in the business of helping people for over 17 years.I have many certifications and training in helping people balance their brain and body, emotional release work, nutrition, etc.
I have worked with 4th stage cancer patients, kids with learning disabilities, etc. I just want to let you know that I have experienced the value of what I describe below first hand.
In my experience you can not convince or make anyone "get on board". You may do so temporarily through manipulation or coercion, but if it is not really their own heartfelt idea to join you the results will be less than spectacular.
The best idea may be to be the best you can be with your new idea yourself.
You can share it but what they do with it is up to them....this is true whether you believe it or not. If you are experiencing resistance you might look inside of yourself.
One teacher of mine used to say, "ask yourself, what part of me expects to be treated like this, or expects my reality to look like this".
Perhaps some subconscious part of yourself is expecting the person to not work with you. YOu ask for that part of yourself to be changed.(you can do this through prayer or whatever type of spiritual or mental practice works for you)
This can be a deeply held belief system that is so ingrained that you think it is "reality" rather than a belief system. At any rate it pays to at least give this approach a try......new insights might come from it.
This answer may seem a bit unconventional to many but for an example check out the book Zero Limits. It was written by Joe Vitale and Dr. Hew Len. Dr. Hew Len has been a practitioner of hawaiian ho-oponopono for many years.
He has done many surprising things with the concept I mention above. (Including "healing" a mental ward full of the criminally insane......you can read about it in the book. Dr. Hew Len is a psychologist who worked for the state of Hawaii and was sent to a mental hospital to work on this ward.
He never "counseled" one of these people, he simply asked for any belief systems he held within himself that was helping to hold their mental illness in place to be released
I had the opportunity to attend one of Dr. Hew Len's seminars and he is an incredible, simple and humble man.
There was a woman in the class who said she was married to a man who was awful. He drank, he wasn't loving.....it was bad. They had been married 20 years.
She was ready to divorce him. She came to the class and then decided to apply the principles for one year. At the end of one year, she said was living with a different person and he never did one thing to personally change himself.
As she changed her thinking and beliefs he just naturally changed. She said she is now staying in her marriage.
Okay......that is my idea. I have seen these principles work. When we change the inside of ourselves our outside reality changes. There are many teachings that refer to this.
I would be happy to give a list of books on the subject.....some dating back to 1911, if you think anyone would be interested.
Thank you for your work.I know you are helping many people.
Many blessings,
Marilyn
Leo,
My wife refused to read the e-book, which I printed out and placed into a binder. So I wrote up the debt reduction plan. But now she wants a monthly payment plan, so I'll do that too.
I think it helps to emphasize that this is a plan that can fast-track debt relief. If my spouse is resistant, I'd ask them why.
A worthwhile question....
First:Began by setting up three bank accounts
1) Joint
1) Mine
1) His
Second: graphed out every single dollar that was spent on expenses determined to be joint.
Mortgage, Insurance, Utilities, House, CC,groceries. The key here is identifying "joint" expenses.
Totaled above, added 10 % divided by two and began direct deposit of that figure per month into the joint account.
The remaining money went in to our individual accounts-too be discussed in a few minutes.
Now off to all the utility companies and arranged a budget plan and went to all vendors and automated every single payment.
Graphed it all on an Excel-w/account numbers, contact names, addresses, balances, due dates etc.
The end result was an automated system that allowed for the creation of a cushion for household events (10%). After the cushion was established began accelerated payments of the cc debt. After the cc debt was eliminated began applying extra monies to the mortgage etc.
The beauty of his is that these things once established need very little maintenance and cause very little friction. When and if there was a change to be made to the joint account it required only a small amount of tweaking not a major sit down kick some butt discussion.
An additional bonus was that from my ind account I could create my own plan-similar to the above, he could have his own plan whatever that might be and not feel that he has to account nor answer to anyone but himself.
This system has worked for me for years. It supports a collaborative effort and still retains autonomy.
Nancy
I can probably venture to say I'm in the same situation. Have you ever explained the rules of a game to someone, only to have them fill your head with all kinds of exceptions to those rules? Well, that's my husband.
And the problem with that is that those exceptions do NOT get us any further in the game than when we first started.
My husband is a project estimator for a small contracting company. There is word that they may ask upper office personnel to cut their hours down to 32 per week.
This is really going to pinch us pretty hard. Funny, though, the day he announced that to me, he was throwing all kinds to COST SAVING IDEAS into the conversation.
I honestly wanted to ask him if he'd had a nice time on his vacation, cause I'd been trying to have that same discussion for months while he was out of town.
SO. . .
I need some advice as well on how to influence my husband to get and STAY on board the program.
Thank you! Debbie
Hi Leo,
She may have to go it alone. It's kind of like trying to lose weight while your spouse eats everything in sight. She should get her name off from all credit cards etc. that he is using.
She may be able to divide monthly bills between them.
She could handle her share and he would be resposible for his share (That could have limitations if it came to have the power turned off.
Normally we tend to keep doing what we are doing to be right.
if her husband agrees to reading and changing his ways, will be like admitting he has goofed, flunked, so he insist in keeping an obvious wrong set of conclusions etc. he may or may not be aware of this.
Saludos,
Lorenzo
Be patient and be PERSISTENT. Try to speak in positive phrases and keep it simple. Set the right example. Be PERSISTENT. Focus on your goals, and remind each other what it is you truly want in the long run (as opposed to instant gratification).
I've been married seven years and we also had not saved together although I did have these good habits previously. Fortunately, we are also debt free. Now we are living within our means again, and have been for several months. Saving money regularly again is the next step.
Sometimes a person needs to take charge of the situation. I to was in deep financial problems in 2008. I lost faith in my self and started ignoring my problems. This attitude only brought more stress into our lives. My wife also lost her confidence in me.
With a lot of prayers to the Lord, I was willing to listen to His advice to do certain things and to be patient, for 2009 will be a better time for us.
Well everything has changed. We got our Mortgage modification and we are paying off 4 credit cards totaling $22,000.00.( and tore them up)
When all is said and done We will only have our mortgage, line of credit and my truck payment as far as loans go. We forecast that we will be able to put aside at least $500.00 into our savings each month an still be able to give to the ministry work( Amazing Facts. Org) and our various charities that we sponsor ( Children International & World Vision).
Faith is our Only answer.In these trying times We must get close to him. For He loved us first and He will guide us in all things. Trust in Him. Call to Him and He will always be there for you. The answer is Ask The Lord Jesus.
God's Blessings
I have tried a couple of different things with my spouse. First, I limited how much money he could have a week and let him deal with the budget from that and I paid all the bills but he was mad about the cuts I made to the bills and how he couldn't go buy whatever he wanted.
The next thing I did is figure out how many of the bills he could pay out of his wages comfortably and we got separate free checking accounts.
He now has to pay the internet, phone, satelite dish, electric, his vehicle and insurance. I have the house payment, insurance, groceries, and medical. This way he understands that wanting all the movie channels isn't worth the cost and how long it actually takes to pay off the loan he got.
I wouldn't call him a willing participate but it works. If he does start to get upset about the bills he pays, I simply point out the fact that I pay the mortgage which is more than he makes in a month.
He has drastically reduce how much money he blows by buying snacks and stuff on the way to work and stops at the fast food joint. He even reduced his internet and phone bills, as I had attempted, after a few months of paying them.
He also chose to pay more money on his vehicle loan so that he would get it paid off sooner.
Hi there. I can only say what I have done, and gotten a pretty good response!
I did a complete budget, showing what we owe, and what we pay out each month, and where we need to be. Then I discovered how much OVER THE BUDGET we were. So we sat down together, and I said HELP me make a budget that makes us happy and we can get things done.
He still wants his spending money (I am always the only one willing to give that up to pay down debt) so I said, let's both have a bit of money each week that we can do whatever we want with it, but because we have major debt to pay down, it is coming out of groceries, since usually it is spent on money.
So right now, our grocery budget is smaller, but we both have a bit of cash to spend (mine may go to retirement in the end. I don't like to spend)
He spends less now because he knows we want to pay down debt. If he wants to eat out..it comes out of our food budget for the week, THUS less food at home for the kiddos and that sometimes deters the eating out.
Basically I don't fight with him (ever actually) or argue, or accuse him of spending money. Instead, I just make sure that we both have the same cash to spend (In my case save) and he has been a part of the budget making so he does much better.
Basically MAKE THEM THINK THEY came up with the ideas, or that THEY have more control of the money and maybe they will be smarter too.
hmmm....Just an idea
This man sounds as if he at one time or another gave what some would call control of his assets and failed.
He sounds untrusting. Marriage is a partnership. If you can't openly discuss things your in trouble.
This day and time you had better be ready to give up those so called ideals of a one way street, I'm the boss, I'll make all the decisions type thing.
It takes two to have a relationship and better yet it takes two to make a living these days.
Tell your guy to wake up. It is not all about him. Take a positive approach and put the cards or better I should say bills on the table.
Andrea
Hi Leo!
There is no way to change another person but I believe it´s possible to have them to take another choices. Everything a person do or don´t do has consequenses. So, to change what you get, you have to change what you do. Sometimes the connection between the act and the consequense is not clear for the person who acts, so s/he need some help to see the connection.
If I was the Lady who needed her spouses cooperation I would ask the husband:
Does he realize there is a problem?
Does he want to keep the problem?
If not, is he going to give up and resign or do he want to do something about it?
What is he going to do?
If the answers reveals that the consequenses are not what you want, tell him. Discuss how the problems will be solved so you both get what you want. Respect for the other one is important but it´s also important to be clear about what you want.
Mervi
My husband and I had the same problem. The solution was that I was to do the finances and allow him a weekly allowance for fuel, eating out for lunch and play money. When allowing for this was causing a problem I then decided to have a separate checking account which housed all money that was to be paid for all bills...never allow your spouse to have their own credit card, it will never reach a zero amount. When your spouse asks you for money for other things let your spouse know that it isn't in both of yours best interest to do so....tell your spouse "you want to retire one day....right?" Always be honest with what bills you pay on a monthly basis and also allow yourself to have the same amount of money as your spouse to keep things in your relationship as equal as possible. It's no fun when you feel like your giving up everything while your spouse gives up little to nothing as well. Although this doesn't get your spouse involved in the money making decisions it will at least for the time being prevent more undue stress upon you and your family in time things may change and your spouse may become more of a saver if he has to save for something he really wants.
I was in the same boat as you. My husband saw an amount in the bank and though "Oh an extra $$$." and didn't ask to see if all bills cleared the bank first. I was bouncing checks left and right and there seemed to be no end in sight but I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and opened an checking account in just my name and had all my checks go into my account and had access to his money every payday. We bank at Visterra which is a federal owned bank and through them I can transfer money from his account to mine and have all of our bill money in one account which I don't worry about my husband does not have access to my account EVER he is on the beneficiary in case I pass away but he never has access to it whatsoever. Since I have done this I have never had a bounced or returned check ever...all bills are paid on time and in full. I leave him with money for gas and lunch money if he spends his money on other things then that is something that he deals with....make no mistake I too get an allowance but most of the time I save it to pay down debt that we have....I want to retire one day and hopefully at 55 and the only way I see I can do it is if I take control and sacrafice a little now to reap better rewards later....I have been doing this now for 15 years and my husband has come around to working with me toward our retirement. He is begining to cut corners now so that we both retire at 55. We hope to travel the U.S. and take many Cruises when we retire. I hope you find a way to make things work financially and in your relationship because this is something that ends alot of marriages.
Thoughts:
-Find out when would be a good time to talk about finances.
Don't nag. Just ask. If they aren't receptive to the idea 'right now,' then find out when would be a good time. What worked for me: "I think we really need to look at our finances & budget soon; when would be a good time for you to help me with some new ideas?" Biggest thing I found is finding a time when the other person WANTS to be on board about debt reduction. Be patient; it may be a LONG time. Meantime, do what you can to help situation. It's possible to work around someone if they are even remotely interested in the idea, but aren't ready to commit to action just yet.
-Don't complicate things.
If your SO/Spouse is not a detail freak, don't make him a complex spreadsheet. He'll just glaze over. Instead, give him/her what he wants in terms he can understand, and ask him what he would be able to do (however small) to contribute to the goal. Set a short-term goal, and have him report his achievements. Don't forget the Brownie Points!
-Find a 'drive home' point and bring it up so that it affects the other person.
A common remark by my own DH was: "We're making the payments aren't we? Then what's the problem?" I turned it around one day: We certainly were making the payments with no problems, but several hundred dollars was going to those minimum payments, and I'd venture to guess around 80% of it was going to INTEREST! His having to work OT was doing us NO good, which really made him think.
-Ask him/her to come up with ideas on finding 'bigger chunks' of money to dump on debt. Got a lot of 'stuff?' Sell something. Find out if there's anything they really aren't using and if they might know someone who would be willing to buy it. Big chunks (even if they come with a big loss) are often worth the reduced stress and sense of satisfaction you get from 'cleaning up' and seeing a big change in the bottom line debt number.
Bottom line: Work WITH your SO/Spouse, don't come at them as a competing force. You're on the same team, and the goal should be mutual. Set short-term ones rather than looking at a huge debt number. Reward yourselves for a job well done, and make sure to let the other person know how much their input is valued.
Some great ideas here! This is inspiring to me. I currently pay most of the bills at our house and my husband pays a few plus his own credit card bills. He likes to shop and spend, and the idea of cutting back scares him. (Part of it is from some childhood issues.) I am going to continue this separate arrangement and work on myself first. I can't control what he does. I will work on my credit cards (even though some is really joint debt) and mortgage (which is obviously joint debt) as well as reducing my spending. We have to start somewhere and maybe if I have success it will inspire him.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home